On My Own Time

I feel different. I mean, really different. It’s like I’m a whole new person with a fresh perspective. I’m sure it’s because of everything that has happened to me in the past few weeks, of the lessons that I have learned about people and life. At work, we are trying new things, blowing up the establishment and reorganizing ourselves. At home, I’m back to commuting four hours each day instead of living by myself in an apartment in the city.  In This Life has now disappeared into oblivion and I’m struggling to find new things to talk about in my book group. I’m suffering from writers’ block like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t string five words together for the life of me, I’m dissatisfied with the arc of my new book and I’m disillusioned about the book world altogether.

There is so much change happening in my life. Last week, I was overwhelmed. I placed so much pressure on myself to make decisions, tortured myself about being so indecisive.

This week, I’m floating. I still haven’t figured out what I want, who I like, what I should be running away from, what I need to do. Things are happening way too fast, I can’t keep up. It sounds weird, I know. How I manage to keep my head above water and at the same time, deflect attention from the fray and focus on my tasks. But I’m doing it. Don’t ask me how, just know that I am.

I think I’m going to give myself some time. Time to get my bearings, get over my issues, mourn my loss and celebrate my success. The most important thing to this, is that I have my own schedule. No one can tell me to sever ties or relationships that aren’t good for me, or make career moves that don’t make sense to me. No one can tell me when I’ll be ready to make a change, but me.

So, I’m going to enjoy the ride. Float a little bit more, pick and choose what I want to do. We all have that luxury, I wished we knew how to use it more.

It’s coming. I can feel it. I can feel the strength of my conviction bubbling up to the surface. Maybe it hasn’t reconciled my head with my brain and my heart and my body. Yet. But it will. And when the time comes, I’ll have my peace.

For all those struggling to manage through all of life’s changes, take your time. Sooner or later, it will all fall into place. You’ll figure it all out. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.